6/2/2020

You.

Any other name I would call you by feels foreign to me now. As if using them would call attention to the fact that I never really knew the person you turned out to be at all.

The only reason I’m writing this letter is because these feelings no longer belong in my heart or my hands. I’ve turned them over so many times that they taste like metal in my mouth when they accidentally slip. I would much prefer to lay them on paper so I can make way for moving on.

I have no intention of dissecting the things that keep me up at night, or asking for an explanation. I just want to be okay.

I would love to say that I am already okay, but I have never lied to you and I don’t intend to start now. I am so far beyond not okay. During our time together I always tried to be mindful and not put my feelings on your shoulders, but today I can honestly say that you have impaired my heart in ways I didn’t think were possible.

And it’s a damn good heart. I don’t know how you can be all right knowing that you left your fingerprints all over my good intentions.

I loved loving you. And I did. I loved you so much more than I wanted to. I can pinpoint the second it hit me, and the chill that came with it knowing how much worse it would hurt if you decided to leave.

I was right.

I am sorry that I couldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved. But I’ve learned over time that people can only meet you as far as they’ve met themselves.

I loved loving you. But you weren’t ready to be loved by me.

I meant every word I ever said to you. Including these. I hope more than anything that you can one day find yourself in a place where you’re brave enough to show up and mean the words you said to me when you decide to say them to the next woman. Because the person you claim to want to be is beautiful and is going to make someone so incredibly happy the day you fully commit to being him.

Before that can happen you need to heal whatever it is inside you that makes you think you aren’t worth being loved. Because the way it shows up is devastating, and I hope to a God that I don’t even believe in that no other woman ever has to feel the way I feel now.

I have come undone and I wont be the same after you.

You don’t have to agree with the way I feel. You don’t even have to understand it. I am under no obligation to make sense to you.

But I do feel obligated to tell you that you are worth being loved and if you could walk away from us with anything at all, it’s that. I really hope you take the time to work that out.