I See Your Upset, But I Demand That You See Mine.

In a lively discussion surrounding the Ricky Gervais, Louis CK, Iliza Shlesinger, and Ellen Degeneres types, a coworker of mine (who stands as one of the most respectful and thoughtful individuals I’ve had the pleasure of knowing) looked to me and simply stated, “I don’t find female comics funny – rather, I find that they mostly push boundaries.”

I waited a beat before I offered my retort.

“You’re right. But more often than not women haven’t been considered worth listening to unless we’ve been actively pushing those boundaries.”

He quickly agreed and confronted the unconscious bias he held – which most of us refuse to do.

We hold fast to the old school ideals that boil down to women staying quiet and men being brave. We condemn some and praise others for the same basic behaviours based on what history has told us about standards.

I believe in actively challenging these ideas (which movements like #metoo and current discussions about issues such as Toxic Masculinity aim to do) but often find myself in the same position – wanting to stand for others but silently judging others for acting outside of what is “expected” of them.

“He cries an awful lot. He should be a man about it.”

“I’m all for sexual liberation, but she doesn’t need to be so loud about it on social media.”

It’s disgusting and everyone, no matter how enlightened, is guilty of it. We’re human and it’s an unfortunate yet very real predisposition we hold.

But it doesn’t stop there. We have ideals about how people should appear, be treated, think, and operate. We have ideas about how the world should be run and what needs to be changed in order to go forth as a respectable society.

We all have opinions and causes, and a lot of the time we value one over the other dependent on our own situation.

I am incredibly lucky to have grown up the way that I have.

Life has not come without challenge - I have been sexually harassed. I have been manipulated because of my gender. I have had opportunities taken away from me because of my genetic make up. I’ve been required to work harder than others for the same opportunities.

Who hasn’t? We all face it, despite how we identify.

But I have never had to live in fear of going without food, education, or shelter. I have never had to actively think about my race and the threats I could face because of it. Nor have I ever had to be afraid in my own neighborhood after dark. But that’s not the reality for a lot of people who we unwaveringly call our friends and family.

When we don’t see it, it’s hard for us to rally for change.

I see your oppression, but I raise you mine. I see your toxic masculinity, but I raise you unhealthy gender stereotypes. I see your immigration concerns, but I raise you Black Lives Matter.

I see your upset, but I demand that you see mine.

What upsets me most is that we are not collectively pissed off about the treatment of human beings as a whole. What upsets me is that we think we need to combat the question of treatment of one group with the treatment of another, rather than realizing that it’s utterly fucked that we live in a society where ANYONE has to be afraid of being who they are – whether it’s based in gender, sexuality, social class, race, or any of the other benign factor that dictates how we are received.

It’s fucked up that there are children who go to bed hungry. It’s fucked up that there are men that can’t speak up about their abuse because they’re expected to be hard. It’d fucked up that there are people who are not at home in their own bodies because there are other people who are so high on the idea that nature is the only way. It’s fucked up that black kids keep getting shot. It’s fucked up that women are dying because they can’t get the proper healthcare that they need. It’s fucked up that our society treats prisoners better than the homeless. It’s fucked up that the elderly can’t get the care they need because once they hit a certain age they aren’t worth as much.

It’s fucked up that we look at any of these issues and go “yeah, fair point, but what about this-“.

How about we stop being keyboard warriors and step into the role of human rights ally instead?

What does it look like to challenge what we’ve been conditioned to think about others and just stand up for each other regardless of whether we understand one another’s struggle.

…

One of the most impactful passages about equality I ever read came from the back of a vinyl EP I found in a dusty crate in the attic of my childhood home. It meant so much to me that at eighteen I took the handwritten quote to my local tattoo shop and put it on my body forever.

First they put away the dealers, then they put away the prostitutes.

Shoed away the bums, and then beat and bashed the queers.

Turned away the asylum seekers, fed us with suspicion and fears.

We didn’t raise our voice, we didn’t make a fuss-

It’s funny there was no one left to notice when they came for us.

Let that sit for a minute.