To All The Boys I've Loved Before

To all the boys I’ve loved before,

Like the split lip that taught me the consequences of doubling under on the swings, you’ve been catalysts in my personal genesis and my education in love and loss.

Winning and losing.

Wanting and needing.

So I wanted to say thank you to the boy who kissed me for the first time when I was thirteen solely for the sake of public embarrassment. You taught me a valuable lesson about power right out of the gate.

Thank you to the one who was supposed to be my first but wasn’t.

Thank you to the boy who wrote a song about me. I hope it helped heal whatever it is you thought I broke.

Thank you to the boy who pushed me away and told me that he deserved better. Because of you I can now recognize when people are using me like I did you.

Thank you to the person I thought I loved first. You should have run after me that night but you didn’t and I will forever be grateful for that.

Thank you to the first good heart I knew for spitting venom at me when I broke you. I deserved every awful word you threw my way.

Thank you to the first boy who used me to cheat. As angry as I am for you casting me in that role, you taught me a lot about personal responsibility.

Thank you to the small handful of men who got me through my fixation with down under. It was a very tanned and tattooed era of my life. Thank God it’s over.

Thank you to the man who met me with kindness when I, full of spite and arena draught, aired his dirty laundry.

Thank you to the boy who left me on the couch to first clean his room. Hanging up my jacket was a real class act. Because of you I believe that chivalry might not be dead after all.

Thank you for the boy who proved to me that repeated actions grant repeated outcomes.

Thank you to the boy who made me realize that no one, no matter how attractive, is worth sitting through Elysium for.

Thank you to the boy I took home for the sake of satisfying a High School curiosity. Never again.

Thank you to the first boy I truly cared for for leaving me the way you did. You made it a hell of a lot easier to pick up the pieces you left in your wake.

Thank you to the boy who inadvertently taught me the merit of knowing the exit route the night before.

Thank you to the boy who’s grandiose personality was worth the $22.00 + shipping it cost me to prove my point.

Thank you to the boy who showed me that just because someone realizes what they lost doesn’t mean they deserve to have it back.

Thank you to the boy who taught me that people can change and the backseat of a Jeep looks much more comfortable in the commercials. Hit me up, let's cancel some plans sometime.

Thank you to the boy who reminded me that I could have said no. More importantly, that I should have said no.

Thank you to the boy who left me crying in my little black dress on New Years Eve because of his honesty rather than deceit. My heart will always look back on your memory with warmth. You were a true game changer.

And a final thank you to the first boy I jumped on a plane for. I will continue to go big for the people I care about but will always remember that a beautiful face is no match for an ugly heart.

To all the boys I’ve loved before, without you I wouldn’t know that I want a love that makes me smile the way I do when the protagonists in a shitty Netflix Original movie kiss for the very first time. I wouldn’t know that I want a man whose words stick in the back of my head like the lyrics of a Jordan Davis song. Because of you I know my red flags, the boundaries I need to hold, and the boundaries I need to respect.

Because of you I know not to settle in the pursuit of something real.

To all the boys I’ve loved before, thank you.